


statement begins

by OnyxSphinx



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Getting Together, M/M, canon typical levels of horror for the statements i think, it's endgame charlie/scientist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22749946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxSphinx/pseuds/OnyxSphinx
Summary: The Scientist: Usher Foundation employeeORPaddy's Pub is basically run by fear-entity avatars
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/Scientist (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	1. Charlie

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe this isn't crack.

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

SCIENTISTS

Statement of Charles Kelly, taken direct from subject—

CHARLIE

Woah, dude, who's this Charles guy?

SCIENTIST

Is Charlie not short for Charles?

CHARLIE

What—? Nah, look, dude, see—

[SOUND OF RIFFLING THROUGH POCKETS]

Look, right there. Charlie Kelly.

SCIENTIST

[INCREDULOUS]

That's...that's a fake credit-card with a cat sticker on it.

CHARLIE

[STARTING TO YELL]

No, dude—you know what—

SCIENTIST

Alright, my apologies, sorry. Can we start again? ...alright then. Statement of  _ Charlie _ Kelly, concerning...

[HE TRAILS OFF]

CHARLIE

Huh? Why are you looking at me?

SCIENTIST

[SIGH]

What are you here to  _ tell _ me about?

CHARLIE

Oh! Yeah, uh—rats!

SCIENTIST

[SLIGHTLY PANICKED]

Where?!?

CHARLIE

Oh—hah, no, I mean—the  _ story _ is about rats.

SCIENTIST

...oh. Well, then. Er, statement of Charlie Kelly, concerning...rats. Recording taken direct from subject, May third, 2013, by—er, the Scientist.

CHARLIE

Can I start now?

SCIENTIST

Please, do.

CHARLIE

So, uh, it started when I was...five? Or six, I dunno, man, this was  _ ages _ ago. Anyway, so, my mom's house has a creepyass basement, and it's never been finished, and I used to sleep down there as a kid, which was kind of nice, to have it to myself, but there were  _ lots _ of rats.

SCIENTIST

[A COUGH]

Sorry, go on, I—just got something caught in my throat.

CHARLIE

...'kay. Anyway, like,  _ tons _ of rats, but one day, I get into bed, and they all—they make a circle around my bed, man, it was creepy as  _ fuck _ , and they were staring at me with these beady little eyes and I suddenly thought I  _ was _ a rat, y'know, for like, just a moment—

SCIENTIST

[SHARPLY]

You  _ were _ a rat?

CHARLIE

Well, I  _ thought _ so. Anyway, I wake up the next morning, buck-naked, and definitely human, so I just figured, y'know, huffed too much glue or something—

SCIENTIST

_ Pardon—!? _

CHARLIE

[IGNORING THE SCIENTIST]

—but like, okay, so, I always thought it was a—a dream or something, right, 'cause that's crazy, but—

[HIS VOICE CRACKS]

—but I stayed the weekend with her last week 'cause they were gassing me and Frank's place, and I was in the basement again, and  _ the rats came out _ .

SCIENTIST

So...it happened again.

CHARLIE

Yeah, man, it happened again. The rats were all around me and I  _ was _ the rats, but not like, just the  _ one _ —I was  _ all _ of the rats.

SCIENTIST

All of them...at once?

CHARLIE

Yeah.

SCIENTIST

[VOICE SLIGHTLY DISTURBED]

Well. I...can recommend a therapist, if you'd like, to, to, ah, get some help with that trauma—

CHARLIE

Whatevs, man, can I go now?

SCIENTIST

[CONFUSED]

I—yes? No one's forced you to come—

[THE DOOR BANGS]

[HE SIGHS]

Oh—well, alright, then.

* * *

SCIENTIST

Unfortunately, not much in Mr. Kelly's statement can be followed up on. The only thing I can find any truly concrete evidence for is the rat infestation in his childhood home—though his mother never called an exterminator, she freely admits that there is an issue with them.

When I asked why she had never gotten rid of them, since they seemed to bother her son, Charles—sorry, Charlie, she gave me an odd look and asked what I was talking about. Apparently, Mr. Kelly is fond of the rats, and has been so since he was about five or six...

[HE TRAILS OFF THOUGHTFULLY]

I wonder if Mr. Kelly's encounter could possibly be with the entity known as the Corruption...he seems to display some similarities with one, ah, Ms. Prentiss—I don't know the full details of her case, since it was only just this year, and taken in London, by the Usher Foundation's British counterpart, the Magnus Archives, but...there are similarities, such as the initial repulsion, and then later kinship towards the animals at hand.

Well, even if he  _ were _ to have been touched by Corruption, he doesn't seem to be a threat to himself or anyone else, so I doubt there's reason to worry. He also co-owns a local pub, so, should the need ever arise, he should be fairly easy to track down and deal with.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]


	2. Frank

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

SCIENTIST

Statement of Frank Reynolds, concerning his wife—

FRANK

[LOUDLY]

Cheatin', lyin', backstabin'—

SCIENTIST

[SHARPLY]

_ Sir _ , please control yourself.

FRANK

She's a whore, Science Bitch, I tell ya, it's true.

SCIENTIST

[SLOWLY]

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist or be removed from the premises posthaste.

FRANK

...fine. But she is, for the record!

SCIENTIST

Thank you. Now, let's start again.

Statement of Frank Reynolds, taken direct from subject, August ninth, 2013, concerning his wife and her deceased partner, er—

FRANK

Mortimer Blithe

SCIENTIST

—Mr. Blithe, by the Scientist. Mr. Reynolds, please begin. And refrain from expletives, please.

FRANK

[GRUMBLES]

Fine.

Anyway, I been divorced from my wife for, what, uh, nine years now? Anyway, she took most'a my stuff—I barely got to keep a smidge of it.

Anyway, that's fine, cuz I'm better off without her—she was always cheatin' on me and s—uh, crap. But see, the thing is, a few months ago, she calls me up and says, "Frankie, you gotta get up here sharpish, my boyfriend got eaten!"

SCIENTIST

_ What?? _

FRANK

Now, course, I just laugh and hang up, cuz this crazy b—woman's not getting me back up to her house ever again, no sirree, and, I mean, puh-lease, eaten? That's the stupidest go—shdarn thing I've heard in ages.

But, uh, it stays in my mind...so two hours later, it's been eating at me like maggots eat a dead body—

SCIENTIST

[GAGGING SOUND]

FRANK

Look, buckaroo, you listenin' or what? Stop makin' faces.

Anyway, so I go up to her place just to check an' see, and, what do you know, old Morty  _ is _ dead.

SCIENTIST

You...you saw him?

FRANK

Well h—eck yeah I did, he was layin' across the kitchen floor with his guts ripped out! Course I saw him.

SCIENTIST

What did you do next?

FRANK

Well, I buried him, a'course.

SCIENTIST

[FLATLY]

What.

FRANK

Yeah, look, I paid for the hardwood flooring in their, and I'll be da—rned if it gets bloodstained cuz my crazy ex-wife doesn't have the guts to clean it up.

So anyway, I burry him in the backyard, real nice an' clean, an' it's dark so no one sees, which is good, but as I'm putting the shovel away, this beast comes at me, all snarlin' like, and it's got huge claws and glowing white eyes—

SCIENTIST

[UNABLE TO HELP HIMSELF]

So what did you do?

FRANK

Well, I shot her.

SCIENTIST

Her?

FRANK

Yeah, non-fatal—just two in the arm. See, right before she could try and attack me, I see this glint of gold, and I think to myself, well, hey now, that's my lyin' ex-wife's necklace!

SCIENTIST

You're saying...this being was your ex-wife?

FRANK

Yep. I can prove it too—the next day, I run into her at the hospital—I got one'a the nurses to tell me why she was there, an' it turns out that last night, someone broke into her house and shot her—twice, in the arm!

SCIENTIST

I'm sorry, this—

[SIGH]

This is ridiculous. You're claiming your ex-wife killed a man and then tried to kill  _ you _ ?

FRANK

Not claimin',  _ tellin' _ —it's as true as the sky is blue

SCIENTIST

[INCREDULOUS]

Right, then.

Well, the door is just that way—

[THE CHAIR SCREECHES, FRANK YELLS A FEW EXPLETIVES, AND THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

* * *

SCIENTIST

Well, the research I did manage to verify a few of Mr. Reynold's statements.

As he mentioned, his ex-wife, Barbara Reynolds, was admitted to the Mercy Philidelphia Hospital during 2006 after an intruder allegedly shot her twice in the shoulder.

Unfortunately, I cannot follow up with her, as she passed away in 2007 after a botched neck-lift procedure—honestly, I don't know why people always report these things so long after they happen—what are we supposed to do about them  _ now _ , seven years later?

[HE SIGHS]

Anyway, I did some digging into Mortimer Blithe as well—apparently, his body was uncovered on Mrs. Reynolds' property after her death, during an inspection of the land for sale, and, though his flesh was no longer, er, in prime condition, there were marks on his bones resembling claw marks from a large animal—far larger than those that would reasonably be in the area, and so I have reason to give at least  _ some _ credence to Mr. Reynolds' claims of, if not his ex-wife being the beast, then at least of the beast actually  _ existing _ .

Other than that, unfortunately, I wasn't able to uncover much, so this statement doesn't lead to much.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]


	3. Mac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor warning for mac's homophobia *sighs loudly*

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

MAC

Look, man, can you just stop doing that—that thing with your hand, man?

SCIENTIST

Sorry, doing what?

MAC

That!

SCIENTIST

I was...I was fixing my shirt...

MAC

Yeah well, stop it, it looks stupid. What are you, gay?

SCIENTIST

[FLATLY]

Yes. Please, give your statement, Mr. Macdonald.

MAC

[SUSPICIOUSLY]

You'd better not try anything, little man, I have a pink belt in martial arts.

SCIENTIST

[SIGHS]

Mr. McDonald, I assure you, nothing untoward will occur, though I do find it rather insulting that you think it  _ would _ . Now, please. Your statement?

MAC

Fine. No gay biz, though.

SCIENTIST

[INDESTINCT MUTTERING]

Statement of Ronald McDonald, taken direct from subject, August fourteenth, 2013, concerning his former personal trainer, by the Scientist.

MAC

He wasn't just a personal trainer.

SCIENTIST

[DRILY]

Do tell.

MAC

I mean, I knew him 'cause of my friend Charlie—Charlie started hanging out with him last year, something about how he "got what was going on" and "understood him really well" or whatever.

Anyway, turns out this guy is a personal trainer, which is good, because, man, it's hard to find one around here, so I ask Charlie to hook me up with him, and after about a month I get a call.

SCIENTIST

And?

MAC

And then we hash it out and agree to meet at this gym I hang out at. He said he wanted to "help me become my best self" or some bullsh—

[THERE'S A CHOKING SOUND]

—bull—hggk—

SCIENTIST

I would advise you to choose less crude words, Mr. McDonald.

MAC

—bull—fine, bull _ crap _ . Anyway, we meet up and he says his name is Jared.

And like, okay, I've met ripped guys, but this guy? He's like,  _ insanely _ ripped, man, I don't think humans are supposed to look like that.

But I ignored that, 'cause he was nice enough, and pretty much within a month of getting started with him, I was hitting all of my goals— _ passing _ all of them, actually.

SCIENTIST

[SHARPLY]

Jared? Was his last name Hopworth, by any chance?

MAC

[ANNOYED]

I don't know, maybe? Look, man, let me tell the story, okay?

SCIENTIST

Fine. Continue.

MAC

Anyway, it's all going great, and then one day, I come in for a session a bit early for once, and I walk in and I catch sight of—of, well, it had to be Jared, but he looked like...well, he  _ did not _ look like a human.

And he was standing next to this—this, uh, well, I guess it was a man, but I don't know, it was all  _ wrong _ , and Jared had one hand  _ in _ his shoulder—not on it,  _ in it _ , and then he pulled it out, and he's holding this—this  _ bone _ , and the guy's arm goes limp.

And then I f—reaking hightail it, 'cause I am  _ not _ an idiot, okay, but I  _ know _ what I saw—

[HIS PITCH RISES AT THE END, SLIGHTLY HYSTERICAL]

SCIENTIST

Mr. McDonald, are you saying he—he took this man's bone right out of his arm?

MAC

Yes! No! I don't know! Look, dude, I need to go, this is freaking me out, okay, I can't be thinking about this. I need to—to go to a priest or something.

SCIENTIST

Well, I can offer you the numbers of some mental-health professionals—

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGH]

* * *

SCIENTIST

If Mr. McDonald is to be believed, the man who acted as his personal trainer was, in fact, the infamous Mr. Jared Hopworth.

While normally I would be hesitant to grant credence to such a— _ hysterical _ statement, I must admit, as Mr. McDonald has never before heard of Jared Hopworth or his... _ abilities _ , I am inclined to believe his account.

If he did indeed meet an avatar of the Flesh...well, I just hope that Mr. Hopworth never learns of what he saw, because that would probably be the end of  _ him _ .

I did some digging into the possible identity of the man Mr. McDonald saw, though, and I believe that it was a Mr. Ross Davenport—who met Mr. Hopworth for the first time a year prior in Davenport...I have no idea why he would have been in the States, but I found documents for an aeroplane ticket, and the last sighting of him alive is near the gym where Mr. McDonald claims his sessions with Jared—Mr. Hopworth—were.

[THE SOUND OF PAPERS SHUFFLING]

I swear, if the Flesh is in Philadelphia, I am  _ not _ going to be pleased. It probably isn't a cause for concern, thankfully, as Mr. Hopworth is generally rather unambitious, but his possible presence makes me wary.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]


	4. Dennis

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

SCIENTIST

Statement of Dennis Reynolds, regarding his, er, relationship with one Ms. Nikola Orsinov.

DENNIS

Look, dude, one man to another, let me just say, it was not a  _ relationship _ . A relationship would imply that there was something other than the carnal, lust-filled—

SCIENTIST

[SNAPPISHLY]

Mr. Reynolds, please shut up and tell me about Nikola.

DENNIS

Oh, so you want the scoop, huh, Scienceboy? Is that it? Do—

SCIENTIST

I do not, and never will, want to hear about your exploits with Ms. Orsinov, now  _ tell me what happened before I get you removed from the premises _ .

DENNIS

Fine, fine, sheesh, no one can take a joke anymore these days...

Anyway, I met Nikola through, uh, a—

[COUGHING]

SCIENTIST

Did you say  _ stalking!? _

DENNIS

What? No, I would never!

SCIENTIST

Of course not.

DENNIS

Anyway,  _ like I was saying _ , we met through Charlie, my, uh...old friend—

SCIENTIST

Charlie? Charlie Kelly?

DENNIS

Yeah, why? You know him?

SCIENTIST

[ENTHUSIASTICALLY]

Yes! Yes, actually, he was in a while back, and I've been bumping into him all  _ over _ the city—how  _ is _ he doing? He seemed to be coming down with a cold last time I saw him—I do hope that he's taking care...

DENNIS

[SLIGHTLY PRETURBED]

Wait, are  _ you _ the guy he's been going on about? The—the doc guy?

SCIENTIST

[EAGERLY]

Oh, did he mention me?

DENNIS

He won't shut  _ up _ about you. It's annoying.

SCIENTIST

[SIGHS, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE EXHASPERATED]

Oh...

[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

Well, apologies for getting off track. You were saying?

DENNIS

Yeah, anyway, so I go to use the DENNIS system, right, and I'm at step one—

SCIENTIST

Which is...?

DENNIS

Demonstrate value. Get the lady to think you're a good guy, all that jazz.

[SCIENTIST MAKES A DISGUSTED SOUND]

Anyway, I didn't even make it past phase one! She just turned around, told me to stop pretending, and asked if I wanted to come back to her hotel. And at that point, I'm like, uh, wowza, because she's a looker, so of course I say yes.

But then we get back to her place, and she pulls out a knife and knocks me out!

SCIENTIST

[SATISFACTORILY]

That sounds more like the Nikola Orsinov I know of. I take it she got frisky with a knife and took your skin off?

DENNIS

Okay, well, I wouldn't call it  _ that _ , but sure. There was definitely some skin-removal going on, and then some creepy chanting, and then putting skin back  _ on _ , and I didn't even get to sleep with her!

SCIENTIST

You say it as if that's somehow a bad thing, or that it happening would have made up for the rest of it.

DENNIS

Well, look, a man needs what a man needs.

SCIENTIST

I think you need a therapist and a "crash-course" on consent and the respecting of it.

DENNIS

Okay, you know what, you know what? Shut the—

[CRASHING, THE SOUND OF SKIN HITTING SKIN. THE SCIENTIST YELPS, AND THEN LETS OUT A VICTORIOUS WHOOP AS DENNIS HOWLS WITH PAIN.]

DENNIS

My nose! My  _ face! _

SCIENTIST

I suggest you leave before I hit you again, Mr. Reynolds.

DENNIS

You maniac. I hope Charlie kills you, Scienceboy, I hope he stalks you good and takes a knife to your throat.

SCIENTIST

[COOLY]

Dream on, Mr. Reynolds, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

* * *

SCIENTIST

Mr. Reynolds did, indeed, meet Nikola Orsinov—multiple eye-witnesses who were there at the time of their first meeting confirm it.

After Mr. Reynolds left, I looked into his family, and found that the Frank Reynolds who gave me his statement a while back is his father.

Mr. Reynolds, his father, Mr. McDonald, and  _ Charlie _ all co-own a local bar called Paddy's Pub, apparently—I wonder how  _ that's _ going, given that it would seem that at least two of those four are now avatars—and I'm not sure how well the Stranger and Corruption get along.

Ah, well, I trust Charlie to take care of himself.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]


	5. Dee

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

SCIENTIST

Statement of Deandra Reynolds, concerning an audition. Statement recorded direct from subject by the Scientist.

DEE

I killed them.

SCIENTIST

[PATIENTLY]

Can you start from the beginning, please?

DEE

She said if I did, I'd get everything I wanted, and I...

[SHE TRAILS OFF, SEEMINGLY NUMB]

SCIENTIST

Ms. Reynolds?

DEE

Wh—oh, yeah. Um. From the beginning.

So, I've always wanted to be an actress. I'm pretty good at it too, I just have really, really bad stage-fright, like, I throw up, and Mac and Dennis always say I look like a bird and—

SCIENTIST

Can we please stay on topic?

DEE

Yeah, yeah, uh, anyway, so, the other night, I thought, you know, fuck it, I'm going to give this a go, one last time, and I find this add online that's promising auditions, so I go to the place.

There were three other people there—two men and another woman, sitting in chairs, and on the stage, there was a tall, blonde woman with bright red hair and a huge tattoo on her shoulder and arm, and when I walked in, she looked at me and said, "Oh, there's the last person. Let's get started."

SCIENTIST

Did she happen to introduce herself as Jude?

DEE

Uh—yeah, maybe? I don't really remember.

Anyway, apparently, she had already put the other people through it or something, because she said I was the last person, and she wanted me to come up onto the stage with her, so I did—it was weird, you know, since I usually get  _ really  _ freaked out by going up onto stage, but this time...

[SHE TRAILS OFF]

This time it felt different.

So I did.

And when I went up there, she pulled out a can of gasoline and a lighter and handed them to me and said, "Burn the others and you'll make it big."

SCIENTIST

She claimed that you murdering the others would secure you a place in the acting industry?

DEE

Yeah. And, uh, also...her hand didn't touch mine, but when it got close, I could  _ feel _ the heat rising off of her. She must have had a  _ crazy _ temperature—like, it felt like sticking your hand in an open oven.

SCIENTIST

Ah.

[HE PAUSES]

You did it, then, I assume?

DEE

[LAUGHS]

Well, I'm here, right?

Yeah, I did it. I thought...it felt like if I did that,  _ anything _ would be true. And it turns out, it  _ was! _ Because the next day, I got an offer—a really big one, for acting, up in New York. I'm going to go up there in a month, and then I'm coming back, but...I finally did it.

SCIENTIST

And sacrificed three innocent people in the process...does that seem like a fair trade to you?

DEE

[DERISIVELY]

She asked them to do the same thing. I was just the only one with enough balls to actually do it.

SCIENTIST

[HE SIGHS]

Right. Well...good luck, Ms. Reynolds. I hope you don't leave any more bodies in your wake.

DEE

I probably will, but don't worry, no one will know it's me. Bye-bye, Science Bitch, I'm off to make the big bucks!

[THE DOOR SHUTS SOFTLY]

SCIENTIST

Well, I wish I could report it, but the Usher Foundation  _ does _ have a rather strict and  _ punishing _ client-employee agreement, and I, for one, am rather fond of all my limbs.

* * *

SCIENTIST

I looked into it, and it turns out Ms. Reynolds did, as a matter of fact, meet Jude Perry a few nights ago—I have no idea what she was doing here in the states, but I suspect she was looking for new recruits for the Cult of the Lightless Flame.

There were, indeed, three other people who, according to eye-witnesses, entered the address Ms. Reynolds provided in her paperwork, and none of those three ever emerged. The building went up in flames only a few hours later, and the police recovered organic remains, badly-charred, from within, which I believe are probably the remains of the poor unfortunates.

Ms. Perry seems to have returned to Britain, though, for which I am  _ immensely _ glad—the Desolation and the Beholding have never gotten along, and the thought of her, in particular, being in the city, is not one that I was terribly comfortable with.

Ms. Reynolds never wound up even getting to New York—she was admitted to the ICU two days after her statement for second-degree burns.

I do hope that whatever occurred will convince her  _ not _ to try and continue this path—she'd be much better off in her current position as a bar-owner than a Desolation-serving actress who burns people to death.

[DRILY]

But then, who am I to speak? I eat peoples' fears to stay alive.

Well, whatever you do, Ms. Reynolds, I wish you the best of luck.

On a slightly amusing note, if I believe the hunch I have, there seem to now be five avatars co-owning Paddy's Pub, each of them now serving the entities their respective statements pertain to.

Imagine that—avatars of the primordial fears owning a bar in Philadelphia.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]


	6. Confession

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

SCIENTIST

[NERVOUSLY]

Charlie, do you have a moment?

CHARLIE

Yeah, man, 'course, c'mon in—sorry 'bout the mess, the rats have been  _ really _ getting the place messed up—I'm doing double-time on Charlie Work trying to keep everything in check.

Anyway, what can I do you for, doc?

SCIENTIST

I was, er—well, here—

[HE DIGS THROUGH HIS BAG]

Ah, this is for you.

CHARLIE

A...cassette tape?

SCIENTIST

A statement.

CHARLIE

Isn't that your shit? Why are you giving it to me?

SCIENTIST

Just...just listen to it, please.

CHARLIE

[A BEAT]

Alright.

> [TAPE CLICKS ON]
> 
> SCIENTIST
> 
> Charlie, this is for you.
> 
> I, ah, I've been meaning to ask for, well—
> 
> [HE LAUGHS]
> 
> —frankly an embarrassing amount of time, actually, I mean, we've known each other for almost two years, now, and I haven't worked up the nerve, but, well.
> 
> I get tripped up any time I try.
> 
> So I figured I'd...say it to a tape, and then give it to you. To, ah, make sure the words don't get jumbled, you understand.
> 
> So...
> 
> [A BEAT; APPREHENSIVE]
> 
> Charlie Kelly, will you go out with me on a date?
> 
> [TAPE CLICKS OFF]

[A BEAT]

SCIENTIST

I understand fully if you don't want—

CHARLIE

Dude, I can't fucking  _ believe _ —

SCIENTIST

It's rather unexpected, I know, and you might not return the affections, but—

CHARLIE

I'd love to.

SCIENTIST

I figured I ought to—what?

CHARLIE

[SOFTLY]

I'd love to go on a date with you, doc. Like, a lot. I...

[HIS VOICE TURNS SHEEPISH]

I've kinda daydreamed about it. Just a little.

SCIENTIST

[HALTINGLY]

O—oh?

CHARLIE

Yeah.

I'd love to go out with you, doc.

SCIENTIST

Oh! Oh, good—well, that's—

CHARLIE

Can I ask you something? Um, you can say no, I promise.

SCIENTIST

[EAGERLY]

Yes, of course.

CHARLIE

Can I kiss you?

SCIENTIST

_ Yes. _

[A CLATTER. THE TAPE DROPS TO THE FLOOR]

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me at [autisticharrow](https://autisticharrow.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
